Hey everybody!
Here is a quick update of how everything is going. After 5 days im feeling good still! I havent died and I find that my hunger is starting to subside. I've found that the smell of food is much more intense now though! I wonder if by not talking, my other senses such as smell have gotten better...
something to ponder on maybe.
Also, the whole no talking thing seems quite the struggle. As most of you all know I tend to me a man of many words (sometimes too much) but I'm figuring out my own kind of sign language. So far so good. People seem to understand what I'm signing most of the time. But when they don't I some prepared; I keep a pen and paper on my persons so I can write them and tell them what I'm trying to express.
After 5 days i really have to recap on what I've learned. I've learned alot about how God speaks and how it is a still quiet voice that you have to listen for and have your heart prepared to hear. I've also realized how much i always use to say, and how maybe not all of it is meant to be said out loud.
I'm now starting to understand the saying 'think before you speak and act' at a deeper level. Thanks Mom for teaching me that. I finally understand it!!!!
Well i gotta go cause im getting baptized in Santa Monica!!! and then i can talk and eat!!!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Revelation
Hi there loved ones!
First off; thank you so much for checking my blog and for caring about what ive been up to. It means a lot to me that there are family and friends that check my blog to see updates! Sorry I haven't been very prompt to updating and putting pictures up. There is so much happening here in LA! God has been really changing things in my life and bringing perspectives that have been radical and life changing. They keep us plenty busy here with the worship and classes and intercessions and work duty and small groups and books. I have been taking pictures and as soon as i figure out how to post pictures on my blog i will do that right away!
Second thing; i found out where im going on my outreach phase!! ( those that dont know, the outreach phase consists of the last 3 months or so of going over sees and doing hands on mission work). I'm going to Malawi in South Africa!!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malawi
Third thing; today in class i decided to go all in towards God! All or nothing right? I prayed to God to show me how I am suppose to go all in even more then i already have and he revealed to me that i should stay silent, fast from everything except water and to stay off my phone and computer. I thought that was a little too radical for me. But as i wanted to speak i found that i really COULDN'T. No joke, its like i had forgoten to talk or that God had just taken all desire for me to speak away. As odd as it sounds it is the truth 100% The best way for God to be heard is to stay silent. And so I realized that if God wants to do radical things in my life then I must start dedicating myself to him in radical ways! I will be keeping this up for possibly two weeks. But really, who can put a time limit to Gods will? So i will be fasting all these things until God tells me to stop.
What i need from you family and friends is to know how much I Love you and to accept what I am doing and for constant prayer and support in anyway possible!
Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts, that God may reveal himself to me more and more everyday! Thank you! I love you all so much and miss you!
Ps. If you really really need to get a hold of me I will be checking my blog once on the weekends just so you can all know the amazing things God is doing in my life!!
Constant strength through love and peace to you!
First off; thank you so much for checking my blog and for caring about what ive been up to. It means a lot to me that there are family and friends that check my blog to see updates! Sorry I haven't been very prompt to updating and putting pictures up. There is so much happening here in LA! God has been really changing things in my life and bringing perspectives that have been radical and life changing. They keep us plenty busy here with the worship and classes and intercessions and work duty and small groups and books. I have been taking pictures and as soon as i figure out how to post pictures on my blog i will do that right away!
Second thing; i found out where im going on my outreach phase!! ( those that dont know, the outreach phase consists of the last 3 months or so of going over sees and doing hands on mission work). I'm going to Malawi in South Africa!!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malawi
Third thing; today in class i decided to go all in towards God! All or nothing right? I prayed to God to show me how I am suppose to go all in even more then i already have and he revealed to me that i should stay silent, fast from everything except water and to stay off my phone and computer. I thought that was a little too radical for me. But as i wanted to speak i found that i really COULDN'T. No joke, its like i had forgoten to talk or that God had just taken all desire for me to speak away. As odd as it sounds it is the truth 100% The best way for God to be heard is to stay silent. And so I realized that if God wants to do radical things in my life then I must start dedicating myself to him in radical ways! I will be keeping this up for possibly two weeks. But really, who can put a time limit to Gods will? So i will be fasting all these things until God tells me to stop.
What i need from you family and friends is to know how much I Love you and to accept what I am doing and for constant prayer and support in anyway possible!
Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts, that God may reveal himself to me more and more everyday! Thank you! I love you all so much and miss you!
Ps. If you really really need to get a hold of me I will be checking my blog once on the weekends just so you can all know the amazing things God is doing in my life!!
Constant strength through love and peace to you!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Update (Fasting)
To fast or not to fast... that is the question i asked myself as of yesterday.
I prayed and i felt disconnected from God so i took that as a sign that i should fast and chase after God and building my relationship with him.
So here I am on my first day of fasting. Hungry out of my mind. Caffeine feind. Jittery and distracted all while trying to focus on God. Im not going to lie. This is quiet a challenge.
I went up to the prayer chapel to get my Jesus and bible reading on. For those that dont know what the prayer chapel is, let me inform you. It is a small quiet chapel at the back of the YWAM LA campus where people can go to find quite and peace and ultimately God.
Of course though quiet is not peacful to me, it gets my mind to wander on things and all i could hear was my stomache rumble, growling at me in anger and agony. Sorry tummy. You will be filled some day, but first i need to fill my soul.
I eventually decided it was wayyy to quiet in there so i went out to the lawn and took a 'spirtual nap'.
I'm planning on continuing this fasting till my spirit is full before i can let my stomache!
I prayed and i felt disconnected from God so i took that as a sign that i should fast and chase after God and building my relationship with him.
So here I am on my first day of fasting. Hungry out of my mind. Caffeine feind. Jittery and distracted all while trying to focus on God. Im not going to lie. This is quiet a challenge.
I went up to the prayer chapel to get my Jesus and bible reading on. For those that dont know what the prayer chapel is, let me inform you. It is a small quiet chapel at the back of the YWAM LA campus where people can go to find quite and peace and ultimately God.
Of course though quiet is not peacful to me, it gets my mind to wander on things and all i could hear was my stomache rumble, growling at me in anger and agony. Sorry tummy. You will be filled some day, but first i need to fill my soul.
I eventually decided it was wayyy to quiet in there so i went out to the lawn and took a 'spirtual nap'.
I'm planning on continuing this fasting till my spirit is full before i can let my stomache!
Monday, October 1, 2012
So This IS YWAM LA
God you are amazing!
I came here looking for a transformation, thinking that it would take time, a lot of time. I honestly didn't believe that change was going to occur until outreach when i was in the midst of pain so that way i could evaluate my own pain and judge myself occordingly to just how much change i needed. But man, its already begun! The first night i was here (2 days ago) i got together with my also new coming arrivals and house mates and played worship and praised God, the feeling within that prayer chapel was something different, the air seemed thick, the people seemed to happy and joyous to be true.... And then yesterday morning we couldn't make it to a church, so me and those same friends decided, "hey what they hell, lets have our own!" So the 8 of us set out to have another praise and worship and 'spirit' led time in the prayer chapel. It was great! I helped lead it and everything! Some times i think im a leading whore, i always have to be the center of attention and what not. This was truly a great time, with people being honest and loving and praying and singing to God with no fear. I tried. Im a good actor. I've been a christian and i guess i know how to act like one, when i catch the hues and signs that i should have my eyes closed and hands raised or to pray out and say words or praise, i can do that, i did that. But it was not real.... I was thirsting for realness! But my thirst was only being met with something bitter sweet. I could see what i wanted, i could tell there was more. This was the place where i would get myself back you know? The old me that use to Love God...
That night (last night) we had worship. It was something SO genuine that it freaked me out a little. I have not been use to Love being shown to Gode in such a powerful way in so long. People crying, dancing, singing, chanting, jumping, yelling, Worshipping. This scene was not powerful to me, it was fake. I was fake. That actor trying to earn an Academy award. "I would like to thank myself and all the little people blah blah blah." I felt sick with myself. I couldn't praise God. I couldn't do it. I wanted to so badly but i couldn't lie any more. Not to God, not to my peers and not to myself. I simply left at the right moment when i thought no one was watching. But someone was. God! And man he had other plans for me. I was followed by a friend, Ryan aka Scotty. And he told me that God wanted me and that i needed to let go and stop carrying this burden. He said he saw me. I couldnt help but let out tears that i still tried to control. I could sense that something crazy could happen in this moment if only I knew what to do. I thanked him and went back to the worship hall to get my moccassins because i had left them and i still felt fake and wanted to walk away because i couldn't handle this. But as i walked in Benjie (the YWAM leader here in LA) was at the front having an alter call. He said that he was calling those whose hearts haven't been real with God, that had walls and wanted change and didn't know how to get it. He wanted us up there. So when i was about to leave God was calling me back into his arms. I went up there and i cried my eyes out man! Literally, i swear my eyes felt like they were going to fall out. And as i cried i thought my eyes dried up multiple times and that i couldn't cry again. Boy was i wrong. Again and again and again the water works kept coming. God broke my walls. I yelled! crying out Im sorry i left you! i dont deserve you! i dont deserve you! I heard then maybe from God, maybe a reminder of what i already knew but i heard 'Yes you dont deserve me, and yes you left me, but i want you! And I have never left you and I never WIll! Amen!
So this is YWAM LA Transformation Discipleship Training School
And this is just the beginning
I came here looking for a transformation, thinking that it would take time, a lot of time. I honestly didn't believe that change was going to occur until outreach when i was in the midst of pain so that way i could evaluate my own pain and judge myself occordingly to just how much change i needed. But man, its already begun! The first night i was here (2 days ago) i got together with my also new coming arrivals and house mates and played worship and praised God, the feeling within that prayer chapel was something different, the air seemed thick, the people seemed to happy and joyous to be true.... And then yesterday morning we couldn't make it to a church, so me and those same friends decided, "hey what they hell, lets have our own!" So the 8 of us set out to have another praise and worship and 'spirit' led time in the prayer chapel. It was great! I helped lead it and everything! Some times i think im a leading whore, i always have to be the center of attention and what not. This was truly a great time, with people being honest and loving and praying and singing to God with no fear. I tried. Im a good actor. I've been a christian and i guess i know how to act like one, when i catch the hues and signs that i should have my eyes closed and hands raised or to pray out and say words or praise, i can do that, i did that. But it was not real.... I was thirsting for realness! But my thirst was only being met with something bitter sweet. I could see what i wanted, i could tell there was more. This was the place where i would get myself back you know? The old me that use to Love God...
That night (last night) we had worship. It was something SO genuine that it freaked me out a little. I have not been use to Love being shown to Gode in such a powerful way in so long. People crying, dancing, singing, chanting, jumping, yelling, Worshipping. This scene was not powerful to me, it was fake. I was fake. That actor trying to earn an Academy award. "I would like to thank myself and all the little people blah blah blah." I felt sick with myself. I couldn't praise God. I couldn't do it. I wanted to so badly but i couldn't lie any more. Not to God, not to my peers and not to myself. I simply left at the right moment when i thought no one was watching. But someone was. God! And man he had other plans for me. I was followed by a friend, Ryan aka Scotty. And he told me that God wanted me and that i needed to let go and stop carrying this burden. He said he saw me. I couldnt help but let out tears that i still tried to control. I could sense that something crazy could happen in this moment if only I knew what to do. I thanked him and went back to the worship hall to get my moccassins because i had left them and i still felt fake and wanted to walk away because i couldn't handle this. But as i walked in Benjie (the YWAM leader here in LA) was at the front having an alter call. He said that he was calling those whose hearts haven't been real with God, that had walls and wanted change and didn't know how to get it. He wanted us up there. So when i was about to leave God was calling me back into his arms. I went up there and i cried my eyes out man! Literally, i swear my eyes felt like they were going to fall out. And as i cried i thought my eyes dried up multiple times and that i couldn't cry again. Boy was i wrong. Again and again and again the water works kept coming. God broke my walls. I yelled! crying out Im sorry i left you! i dont deserve you! i dont deserve you! I heard then maybe from God, maybe a reminder of what i already knew but i heard 'Yes you dont deserve me, and yes you left me, but i want you! And I have never left you and I never WIll! Amen!
So this is YWAM LA Transformation Discipleship Training School
And this is just the beginning
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