So This IS YWAM LA

God you are amazing!
I came here looking for a transformation, thinking that it would take time, a lot of time. I honestly didn't believe that change was going to occur until outreach when i was in the midst of pain so that way i could evaluate my own pain and judge myself occordingly to just how much change i needed. But man, its already begun! The first night i was here (2 days ago) i got together with my also new coming arrivals and house mates and played worship and praised God, the feeling within that prayer chapel was something different, the air seemed thick, the people seemed to happy and joyous to be true.... And then yesterday morning we couldn't make it to a church, so me and those same friends decided, "hey what they hell, lets have our own!" So the 8 of us set out to have another praise and worship and 'spirit' led time in the prayer chapel. It was great! I helped lead it and everything! Some times i think im a leading whore, i always have to be the center of attention and what not. This was truly a great time, with people being honest and loving and praying and singing to God with no fear. I tried. Im a good actor. I've been a christian and i guess i know how to act like one, when i catch the hues and signs that i should have my eyes closed and hands raised or to pray out and say words or praise, i can do that, i did that. But it was not real.... I was thirsting for realness! But my thirst was only being met with something bitter sweet. I could see what i wanted, i could tell there was more. This was the place where i would get myself back you know? The old me that use to Love God...
That night (last night) we had worship. It was something SO genuine that it freaked me out a little. I have not been use to Love being shown to Gode in such a powerful way in so long. People crying, dancing, singing, chanting, jumping, yelling, Worshipping. This scene was not powerful to me, it was fake. I was fake. That actor trying to earn an Academy award. "I would like to thank myself and all the little people blah blah blah." I felt sick with myself. I couldn't praise God. I couldn't do it. I wanted to so badly but i couldn't lie any more. Not to God, not to my peers and not to myself. I simply left at the right moment when i thought no one was watching. But someone was. God! And man he had other plans for me. I was followed by a friend, Ryan aka Scotty. And he told me that God wanted me and that i needed to let go and stop carrying this burden. He said he saw me. I couldnt help but let out tears that i still tried to control. I could sense that something crazy could happen in this moment if only I knew what to do. I thanked him and went back to the worship hall to get my moccassins because i had left them and i still felt fake and wanted to walk away because i couldn't handle this. But as i walked in Benjie (the YWAM leader here in LA) was at the front having an alter call. He said that he was calling those whose hearts haven't been real with God, that had walls and wanted change and didn't know how to get it. He wanted us up there. So when i was about to leave God was calling me back into his arms. I went up there and i cried my eyes out man! Literally, i swear my eyes felt like they were going to fall out. And as i cried i thought my eyes dried up multiple times and that i couldn't cry again. Boy was i wrong. Again and again and again the water works kept coming. God broke my walls. I yelled! crying out Im sorry i left you! i dont deserve you! i dont deserve you! I heard then maybe from God, maybe a reminder of what i already knew but i heard 'Yes you dont deserve me, and yes you left me, but i want you! And I have never left you and I never WIll! Amen!
So this is YWAM LA Transformation Discipleship Training School
And this is just the beginning